I will never understand the ways of life...That´s for shure. Life´s been going up and down all my life and I have always been kinda selfdestructive in a masochistic way, I´ve sort of enjoyed the missery I created by myself. I ignored the signals from my body when it was screaming STOP sitting at the comp 16 hours, stop living on coffee and red wine. I´ve ignored the signals from my brain when it says it´s to tired to think. I´ve ignored the signals from people around me when they say slow down...
BUT last week I had two dreams that had such huge impact on me, I can´t really explain how strong they were. Hmmm I will try to be a bit philosophic here in a language that is not my native so excuse me if I´m make no sense. A while back I had enough of my backpains and finally went to see a doc, well he told me that my muscles are so deeply inflamed and that I have to learn to listen to the body and gave me some medicine. Ok I´ve been eating this medicine for a while and trying to take it easy and for some weeks nothing happened but slowly I started to feel a bit better. Now to the dreams I had.
The first night I dreamed that I died...very scary, extremely scary and painful, I actually felt dead when I woke up, empty in my soul the whole day and extremly tired in the evening. So I went to bed early the next night and as some might have read I had the most extraordinary dream that night. I can without any doubt say that Its the strongest emotions I´ve felt in my whole life. It was so strong that it actually scares me a bit but Im at the same time so happy about it cuz it fills me with energy and happiness just to think about it. The details from that dream is under my last pic.
So for me these dreams was like being reborn in a way, I mean I still feel like the same person, I still have pains but they´re getting better, but I look at the World a bit different, I look at my self a bit different. I try, I really do try , to take care of myself and to listen to the body, cuz the body and the soul are one and when one part is screaming the other part screams too.
And it might sound silly but after that dream the World around me really feels different. I am happy and humble for each moment of joy, and I enjoy the days in a way I cant remember the last time I did. I feel that I deal with all the thousands of problems in life much better and even colleagues have asked me what the hell has happened cuz I come earlier to work and instead of sore red eyes I am filled with a new energy...And the funny thing is that I feel so eager to take care of all the problems, and I got a new confidence in dealing with stuff too...
So what am I trying to say with all this? Hmm I havent got a clue, I think I wanna say dream on, cuz dreams speak, and they can speak out loud and make difference. I´m just writing right outa my brain here and all this might just sound like rubbish to you, but this is one important thing for me. To write exactly what i feel at the moment cuz words have always been scary to me, I found it a lot easier to express myself with music or pictures than words but thats a wall I try to tear down too so I just write right out here